“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.” -W.E.B. Dubois
I hesitate to write about parenting. I have a six-year-old still in my home. I hardly feel that I am an expert in parenting, but I also have an almost seventeen-year-old, so I have almost two decades of thoughts on parenting I can share. Anyway, all this to say, these are just my thoughts. One opinion in an ocean of thoughts on parenting. I’m only here to encourage others, so take what you can and leave the rest.
When Olivia, my oldest child, was a baby I would check out parenting books from the library. Some I would read, others just sat on my coffee table. But, I distinctly remember reading about a study where they found that people who simply had parenting books were better parents. I wondered why? I mean how could you a better parent if you didn’t even read the books? I’ve thought about it many times since then. It makes sense to me that you are better parent just by caring about parenting. That’s encouraging. Just by trying to be a better parent you are already on the right path.
But, our babies grow. They go from hypothetical, perfect children, into real life, complicated people. They are shaped by their own experiences and as much as we desperately want to control the outcome, we really can’t. I remember recognizing that my children really could do whatever they want. I mean I can punish and discipline them into a better response, but only so far. Eventually, I had to recognize that they had to cultivate their own internal motivation. So, things began to shift for me in my thinking about how I wanted to parent. I wanted each of my children to become independent adults who could contribute to the World in their own unique and special way. That became my motivation for all of my interactions with them.
I want to help them succeed, but I also want to help them cope with the difficulties in life. In the last few years, I feel like I have really discovered something.
If I want to raise good humans I need to be a good human.
When I am angry my children become angry. When I am joyful, my children become joyful. It sounds simple, but it really is the hardest thing. Recognizing my power to influence my family was a terrifying thought. And the truth is, as much as I wanted to just fake it, I couldn’t. Kids are crazy perceptive. They know when you are sad, they approach you in a different posture. They are careful. They know when you are angry. They know when you are disappointed with them and also when you are proud. They can try to please you, attempt to make you proud, but at what cost. If they play soccer, because you love soccer and then they don’t make the team, they now have the weight of their own disappointment and yours. What a heavy burden to bear.
If instead, we are working to be the best person we can be, and coming alongside them to encourage them to do the same, they can be brave. They can discover their gifts and talents. They can learn what it takes to make their dreams possible and work towards that. They are free from the weight of your judgement and can enjoy the process detached from the outcome. So, not making the soccer team becomes an opportunity for growth rather than a huge disappointment. If they love soccer and want to play on the team, they can determine what that will take and work towards it themselves, free to try and fail, knowing that your love and support is unwavering.
My fourteen-year-old Son is a very serious ballet dancer. He studies full time at Canada’s National Ballet School. He chose that, we couldn’t have made that happen for him. He practiced 6-7 days a week for years. When he was at home he was constantly watching Youtube videos of male dancers. He would read books about ballet and practice finding his center of gravity spinning on a spinning board in our foyer for literal hours. We never had to say, go practice, or have you stretched today? When it was time to look for more serious training, we were the hesitant ones. He was so young, so able to be influenced. How could we let him go away? We heard horror stories, and had even family members say, “how could you let him go?” But, he showed us the way. He found the school he felt would help him develop in the best way. He found a program with a wonderful academic program, which was so important to us. He explained to us why he needed to go and eventually we had to know that this was the next right thing. He is thriving, we are thriving too. We don’t want him to feel that he has to have a certain outcome. It’s important to me that he knows that we just want him to have as many options as possible. He may become a professional ballet dancer, but he may not. He may go to college to study, he may not. That is not our choice to make, we just want him to have options and then choose where he thinks he can make the most difference in the World.
My daughter is in her Junior year of High School. She is taking the S.A.T., and studying, and playing soccer, and enjoying her friends. She is incredibly driven and wants to go into politics. I am enjoying watching her cultivate a sense of purpose and potential. What a beautiful thing to see a flower just about to bloom. I want the same thing for her as for all my children. I want her to have choices, but the choice that she ultimately makes is hers. She is looking at College and Law school. She is weighing options of schools and programs, cost and benefit. I am proud of her most of all for her character. She is driven and funny and teachable. She is going to do amazing things.
The best gift I can give my children is the best me I can be. Taking care of myself is also taking care of them. Growing and learning and loving others is a gift to my children too.
So, maybe you are a new parent, or a Grand parent, or just living in this beautiful World with children in it. We raise good humans by being good humans. So, be the best person you can be. Maybe, you feel you aren’t that good. You can be good. You are good. You are enough. You are doing the best you can. We all are. Love your children enough to love yourself. Today is a new day. Take care of yourself. Go outside, read a book. Whatever taking care of yourself looks like, do that.
All my love~Erin